Quite Contrary

a funny moment...

2009-04-18T00:00:00.002-04:00

On Tuesday my psychology professor told our Motivations class that instead of doing a big exam for the final we would be writing a paper. Which is no big deal to me, but the subject matter is very interesting. She wants us to pick a few things we have never done before and do them and write about it. It's all about getting us to try new things and have new experiences. We must have all looked confused because she started naming some ideas for us to think about, and possibly use.

One of the things that she mentioned was to give someone the bird while driving if you never have because you are too scared to do so. We all laughed and it seemed like probably everyone, except me had already done that, but I didn't mention that. I was silent. After discussing how it could be dangerous in these parts, we moved on and I mostly pushed it to the back of my mind.

After play practice, which was directly after class, I was driving home and thinking about what I could put in my paper, and what I could possibly do. As I was turning slowly onto another street- to avoid hitting the underside of my car on the ground because of the run off ditch I had to drive over- someone honked at me. It briefly crossed my mind that it could possibly be my chance to do something I had never done before, thinking that it was the car behind me beeping in anger because of my sloth-like pace. I turned to see who the person was, and saw none other than my Youth minister, in a church van, with all of the kids from a youth group in Georgia that were visiting, waving at me.

In that moment I was so thankful that I had not chosen that moment to experience something new. Not only would I have felt absolutely terrible for acting so out of character, I would have died of humiliation, and probably not gone to church this week. I plan on telling my youth minister at some point, because I think he will laugh at it. But most people tell me they wish that I had actually followed through with my brief inclination, because how great of a story would that have been? It would have been absolutely perfect to have in my essay and my personal mind-bank of funny- yet slightly embarrassing- stories to pull out on a whim.

Instead, I'll tell a huge, very grandiose lie in my paper, because I can't say I have ever done that. And then I will be like, "Actually, that was a huge lie! And not only did I make it all up, I actually snitched on myself." Although I have already snitched on myself before. I have confrontational and authority figure problems.

I told Daniel this story and he was silent. I have a feeling he was too fixated on the fact that I would want to flip someone off, even if it were for an assignment, especially if it were for an assignment. Or maybe it just truly wasn't funny at all.

As a sidenote- Daniel will be home in just a little over two weeks. I can't even believe it! I thought this last month would last, forever. But apparently, it will go by far faster than I expected it to. Hooray! I can't wait to see him!

life is good i can't complain...

2009-03-30T01:59:00.002-04:00

I mean I could but no one's listening. Not much is going on here really. I know it's 2:00 AM, and you are probably like... what are you doing up this late? And all I can say is Spring Break baby. I think it's fantastic. I should take a picture of my break and do that whole picnik deal that is so popular right now, and make the words say "Spring Break '09!" or "SB09". I think I might actually do that, because that would be hilariously accurate.

I'm not going anywhere for spring break this year, the farthest I will go is to St. Catherine because I do have classes out there for both weeks. I don't really mind though, especially since I don't have to deal with high school prior to it. And I won't be falling asleep in Lower Lourdes common room worrying about getting robbed, or mostly just looking stupid. I enjoy my classes out at SCC most of the time, and I think I won't be too devastated that the breaks didn't line up. It's not like I would have gone anywhere anyways.

I'm supposed to be exercising for my motivations class... 3 miles a week, one mile at a time. All I want to do is be lazy and sit around for my spring break though. Ugh. Ah well.

So my boy isn't coming home until May I guess. I'm doing alright not seeing him very often, but I can't say that I enjoy the time away. I really don't like it actually. It's very hard to know how he really is doing however many miles away we are. Not that I don't trust him, but that I don't get everything out of it that I would if we were having face to face conversations. Does that make sense? Anyway, he won't be driving home, and I don't blame him for that because it is a long haul, and I guess he won't be flying home just for a visit. Also, I don't blame him for that, but I miss him so much that I wish he would.

Tonight at our Youth Worship we did our little senior night message things. I got to stand in front of the youth group and challenge them. I think it went alright, but it hit me a little. I'm leaving in August. I have no idea where I am going at this moment, but wherever I AM going, it won't be where I am at right now. I haven't been scared of change before, but this is big. Wherever I end up, I probably won't have more friends than I can count on one hand. Making new friends and figuring out all of this new stuff will be a very scary thing. I am starting to wonder if I am ready. If I weren't so bored out of my mind with high school I would be positive that I'm not ready. But for now it's just a funny feeling in my stomach.

For now.
Rose

Remember when...

2009-03-24T21:42:00.002-04:00

I actually used to update my blog semi-occasionally? Well I'm going to try to get back into the swing of things, or at least do this more than once every year (but we'll see).

Not much is going on here in small town land. Everyday: school, possibly more school, work, play practice, and possibly some other stuff thrown in there at random. It's all getting somewhat monotonous and crazy right now, especially with graduation looming and still no idea where this chica will be flying the coop to. Yikes! But that's a-okay for now, because I'm not sure if I'm going to be ready to go when I do...

Guess who finally got their license? Exactly- yours truly. Wow. What a liberating feeling, not having to wait around for someone to pick me up all the time, or wondering if I could even go do something because the rents are too tired to get up. I've been all over by myself, even driving myself to college on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I know that doesn't sound like a big feat, but thirty minutes by myself is as far as I have gotten on my own. I'll get there eventually, but if anyone is wondering who that old grandma driving in front of you is... it's probably me! So what if I like to take leisurely drives rather than all of the speedracers out there in the world. I drive fast- but when I want to... not when you want me to. And here's a little secret- I'll probably drive slower, not faster, if you are tail-gating me. :D

The other sibs are in Europe. Well, some were in Europe but should be getting back to their apartment sometime soon. The other is still in England, feeling very posh and fanciful at her English manor/college I'm sure. Lucky them, huh? Too bad Rosie didn't get to go, although I'm sure I would have just been a downer. I guess I'll just save up and go next time... If there ever is a next time. Seriously, a Marshall can't travel without disaster striking somewhere near our arrival gate. Can anyone say Paris Riots and Glasgow Airport bombing?

That's all for now dearies.
Rose

I'll be back.

2008-10-28T23:47:00.002-04:00

A lot is going on in my life right now and I am very busy. But I am hoping to get back into the habit of blogging for my own personal health. I've got a lot on my mind, and a lot to worry about.

My friend and I decided that I was going insane today. Albeit comically insane, which I must say I prefer very much to scary insane. Or any other type of insane.

If anyone is out there would you just drop a line for me telling me you are. I need to know how much I need to censor my thoughts for all those out there... :]

the only way i can make sense of things...

2008-05-27T21:57:00.003-04:00

victimvictimvictimvictimvictimvictimvictimvictimvictimvictimvictimvictimvictimvictim

an ugly word, even in just the way it rolls of the tongue. it clings to the very last taste bud on the very tip of the tongue trying not to escape from the mouth. the very last bit of word that smolders in your mind until somethings else comes up. victim. a word that expands in your lungs that pushes them outward to the point of bursting where it will burn, it will sear, it will scratch. miles of road paved with the lies that shadow the word, the word which none believe. victim. the idea of speculation of times gone by are clouded with a word that makes things barred from view. we long for truth and closure, but one word separates it from us. a word that shrouds us from the facts and slams the door of cover in our faces. like when a light that suddenly flashes out and the slight twilight can only offer us glimpses of what is what. a victim is not a victim when they aren't a victim...

2008-04-20T20:59:00.002-04:00

I need some reassurance every once in a while. I feel, sometimes, like I don't get enough. I feel like a lot of the time I am just completely fishing for compliments to get them. I want to get compliments freely from people...but then it comes down to the, am I good enough part. Most of the time, I really don't feel like it. My mom is normally the one who tells me I'm beautiful. My mom is normally the one who is happy to see me everyday. But it's her job right?

Where do I fit into everyone else's lives? Am I important? I don't feel like it. Most of the time I just feel like I exist to everyone. I'm there. But I'm not there for any reason...I'm just there.

Please if you read this...tell me what I mean to you so I don't those hope.

Hiding Behind Our Walls

2008-04-07T21:50:00.003-04:00

I find it funny, yet annoying that people hide so much from each other. But it's not just one person who does it really, everyone does it. Things that we do, see, or think can be hidden from people for years on end. But our own little subconscious, most of the time, makes us want to share. For example, that little inside joke you and your friends laugh about, that sweet moment between you and someone you love, or the scary thing thats going on. We hide. It seems though, that some of the time, we hide it because of what people will think if they know. And I think that's a very valid reason to hide things from someone, because we simply do not want to deal with the consequences. I don't want to either, so I hide things.

If we didn't all judge each other so much, I think this world would be just a little bit happier. If we just let go all of the things that we can hold against someone, I think we could all just be friends. Well of course, not everyone would be friends anyway, but it would make it so much easier.

People wonder. I wonder. I see something, and I automatically wonder about it, and other really random stuff about it. And that makes me ask questions. When I don't understand stuff very well, I will ask questions to understand how it works. But when it is people I wonder about, it is a completely different thing. Have you ever wanted to ask a question that you were not sure how it would be accepted by the person? I have. The worst part about it is that it sits in the front of my consciousness until I get some sort of answer about it. Sometimes I feel so anxious about asking a question that I almost can't.

So I wonder, how would you feel about bearing your most well-kept secrets? At least only to your good friends...How would it affect your relationship with those people?

Bring on the confessions!

Alone

2008-03-24T23:15:00.002-04:00

I feel so alone sometimes, and most times for different reasons. Today I wasn't busy enough to keep my mind off of being so far away from my boyfriend. And on top of that I didn't get to talk to him. Just last night I was hanging out with my friends, but it feels like it was a week ago or something. Not many people will listen, and its becoming a desperate thing for me to be able to talk to someone, and have them respond. Not only listen.

Sometimes I feel like I lose him every Sunday night. Of course I don't, because he loves me, I know that. But sometimes I'm so hopeless from the loneliness that Friday seems like a lifetime away. I live, but it's even tougher the next week. If I could teleport to anywhere in the world at this moment. I would teleport to him.

My friend said, "If everyone was happy all the time, would we be able to appreciate it?" I really think that we wouldn't. I mean, if I were always so very happy, all the time, would I appreciate the fact that he comes home to me every weekend. If I were happy all the time, would I appreciate all of the things he has done for me? And if I were happy all the time, would looking back on things from the beginning of our relationship bring me so much happiness? If I were so happy, would knowing that he reads my blog make me keep writing them? Would knowing that he loves me still surpass the fact that he is not always around?

Bummer

2008-03-17T16:01:00.002-04:00

I said last night that the thing I said would come back to bite me, and it did. I was hoping that the person wasn't kidding, but they were. And now I am sad because of it, oh so sad.

I realized today that I have no friends really. I guess I have some, but none that would want to hang out with me. I don't know if it's really my fault for not having friends or not, but they are gone. And I am alone now, so alone.

Back to Basics

2008-03-16T20:09:00.001-04:00

After a week and a few days of pure bliss and unusualness it's back to the same old grind. It feels so far away now that it's gone, even though it is just now over. Oh well, that's how life rolls.

Speaking of rolling. Have you ever been in a conversation and had something roll off your tongue that you didn't really mean to let slip? Of course you have, it happens to everyone. Well it happened to me tonight, and the answer I received was favorable to me, but I'm not really sure if the only reason I got it was because I asked for it, or if the reply was actually sincere. There is no good way to go back and ask if it was, because if they said no, well that wouldn't be very good, and if they said yes, are they being sincere even then. It's just a vicious circle that somehow will come back to bite me.

I just know it.

Utopian One

2008-03-11T22:28:00.002-04:00

I noticed a girl today, a girl whom I have known for a long time, but never really seen her in such a way as I had today. Flawless was the word that came to mind when I looked at her. It almost made me angry how pretty she is. Her hair is perfect with not a strand out of place. Her skin is unblemished with just the right amount of makeup. She is a good height and she is skinny. All of this made me angry. I thought about the time that I try, in vain of course, to get those few small hairs to not stick up. Or how often I don't wear makeup simply because I don't know how to put it on right and of course it ends up looking bad. I don't really have a fashion sense. I imitate what I see, but I somehow always mess it up and feel inferior to those around me.

Looks are not something I normally care about; most of the time I think the "perfect" people are so beyond fake that they aren't fake anymore. I almost always like the more unconventional looks and rocker chic style as opposed to the Hollister and Abercrombie type. I like my hair a little messy, and I don't wear makeup. Sometimes I wear weird clothes because it makes me unique, but living for weird looks and laughs isn't something I always want. In a way I want some girls to be intimidated by me because I look nice and put together. I want girls to wish there hair was like mine. I want to be called beautiful. I think some of my insecurities come from not having someone around everyday who wants to be with me, and wants to hang out with me, which is a spot I reserve for my boyfriend. There aren't many girls who want to hang out with me anymore. I lost a lot of my friends. Some of them I say good ridden to, yet still miss their company.

So where do I go from here?

A Friend of Mine

2008-03-09T15:52:00.002-04:00

This morning one of my friends was talking about relationships. I have my own views on relationships and whether teenagers should have them or not. But the things she was saying kind of bothered me. It's like she won't ever date until she finds the person she is going to marry. How will she know who she is going to marry before she gets to know them? Can you just look at someone and be like, yep thats the one? I just don't understand her philosophy. And then I think she was offended by my view on the subject.

Perhaps it's wise to keep my mouth shut about some things.

An Unfortunate Wish

2008-03-08T10:30:00.002-05:00

It happens quite a bit actually. We all wish for something that seems so far off, and then once it arrives we all step back and wonder why we wished for it. I've been wishing for snow all winter, lots of snow. But now that it's here and I can't go anywhere or do anything I am thinking, "Well I didn't wish for this." Everyone has heard of the phrase, "Be careful what you wish for." And it's true. Even if it's not your amazing wishing abilities that caused something to happen, you will most likely think that in some way you caused it. For example you wish your mortal enemy would drop dead, next day you find out they had a heart attack or something, and guess what-they're dead. I know that I would feel bad, and wish (hah!) that I hadn't wished they would die.

So now I am trying to figure out ways that I can take advantage of my wish. Photography is always an option, and so is poetry. Or maybe staying inside to bake, or read. My biggest dilemma though is my want to see my boyfriend because he is home. I think I might actually walk through the snow to see him. It's not too far...

The Speed of Happiness

2008-02-24T21:34:00.003-05:00

It doesn't take a mind reader to see the changing of emotions in one person. You can see it on their face, their thoughts. It shows in the flash of a second their secrets, their lies, their hopes, their dreams, their emotions. But in the heart it is different. If you are skilled in hiding things you know that no one can really see what you are feeling in your heart. I couldn't tell you how well I am at keeping the emotions off of my face, but I can tell you the speed of my changing emotions.

I can tell you that within a total of five seconds I can be happy, sad, angry, and unwanted. And most of those are negative....isn't that sad.

How was your day?

2008-02-11T18:59:00.000-05:00

It seems that a complaint of most women is that not many people seem to care. Whether its their boyfriend, husband, kids, or friends, it's got to be someone. I always ask, how was your day. I always want to know of course. But does anyone want to know how my day was? Does anyone care? I know that sometimes people just forget, because I do. Sometimes I fish for a question like that. I just want people to want to talk to me. I want to know that people aren't too busy for me. And that they care about me.

I know that this may seem juvenile. And I know that you may think I'm silly to even picture that people don't care about me...But what if they don't? What if they really don't care at all? Where would I go, what would I do?

So now I ask this question of you. How was your day?

Blognation

2008-02-05T00:00:00.000-05:00

I've finally done it. I've finally joined the blognation. I'm extremely excited I must add, because now I have a place that I can actually voice my opinions and not talk about anything in particular. So I'm going to start by introducing myself, just so you, if there are any of you out there reading this, can know who I am.

My name is Rose. That's all you get. I'm still young, and in high school. I love writing. I write during my free time, for my school's newspaper, for classes, and my friends underground newspaper. =] And now I get to write in my blog!

I'm a good student, and I hope to think I'm a good person, but sometimes I just don't know about that. I live in a small town, and its small town life/feel is starting to get to me. I'm going crazy here. I'm bored and I can't do anything about it. Everyone here is bored, so why don't we all just get together and have a major blast...? You tell me. I used to be really busy in my life, but it has slowed down since my boyfriend moved an hour away for college. I know that may not sound very far to some of you, but I can't drive, and I can't ask him to drive home to see me every day, or every other day. So, I live for the weekends. My day passes in a blur and I fear I am wasting my life doing nothing. But I can't really help it while I am here.

I'm very opinionated, but most of the time I try to keep it to myself. In this town I get looks for talking most of the time. I don't get along with a lot of people, even though I don't do anything to them. It's just this mutual feeling with 50% of the kids at my school. Which isn't very fun, and a lot of the time makes me very sad. But life goes on right?

I have a lot to say, and now I have somewhere where I can. Thank you blog nation.

-Rose